"Hey, idiot!  How can you have a Thursday Thrash without a Sunday Smash??"

"Hey, moron!  How can you have a Sunday Smash without even finishing your NFL preview???"

Yes, these questions are valid.  They will be addressed at a time and place that is yet to be determined.  Just please accept my apology.  The rest of the NFL preview will be released later this week (better late than never) and the Sunday Smash/Monday Mash will make their debut in week 2.  Honest.

So then, if I still have your confidence and affection, here is the Mash for week 1...

Arian Foster, Texans.  Everyone was wondering if this would be the week.  The Texans could never beat the Colts.  They could compete.  They would usually take a first-half lead.  But in the end, Peyton Manning and the Colts would rip out the hearts of Houston and win the game.  Finally, FINALLY, Houston had the spine to say no more.  And a lot of it had to do with this guy right here.  Before I get into Foster's stats, let's talk about Houston quarterback Matt Schaub's numbers: 9/17, 107 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, QB rating under 68.  If your quarterback has those kinds of numbers against the Colts, you lose 199.9% of the time.  But thanks to the divine intervention of Foster (33 carries, 231 yards, 3 TD) the Texans were able to shock Peyton and the Colts, and were somehow able to win despite my 199% chance that they wouldn't.  Quite a debut for the Montauk Bev superstar.

New York Jets.  Both literally and metaphorically.  The metaphoric flop was putting on one of the more shameful, embarrassing performances we've ever seen by an offense.  The literal would be Kris Jenkins flopping to the ground in the first quarter with a torn ACL.  Quite a way to open a new stadium.  Granted, the Ravens are a sexy Super Bowl pick.  They have a capable offense, a formidable defense, and are without a doubt a legit contender.  So that's the good news to take from this one, Jets fans: With an offense that couldn't move if their lives depended on it and a billion yards in penalties, you still lost to a legit contender by a single point.  The bad news: you're already lost one and have New England coming to town looking to take a commanding two-game lead in the division.  It was certainly a flop for week 1.  If the Jets play at the same paltry level in week 2, it'll be a lot worse than that. 

Kansas City Chiefs.  ESPN really nailed it with the Monday night doubleheader.  Right after the favorite flop of the week was done flopping, we were treated to the underdog uprising in Kansas City.  Admittedly, I was on the train ride coming home from the Meadowlands and missed most of it.  But Matt Cassel's laughably-bad quarterback numbers tells me it was a weird game.  Looking at the numbers, Jamaal Charles proved he was no fluke in '09, and rookie sleeper Dexter McCluster took one to the house on a punt return.  It seems like the Chargers have owned this division for decades now, and many picked San Diego to win it again in 2010 by default.  The Chiefs have different ideas this season, and have a phenomenal chance to put their record at 2-0 when they face the Browns this week in Cleveland.

• Yeah, it really sucked what happened to the Lions.  They had 'Underdog Uprising" written all over them this week.  If you didn't see it, here's the video of the Calvin Johnson game-winning-touchdown-pass-turned-incompletion.  I understand the rule, and the officials probably made the right call.  But it's a real shame that NFL rules seem to trump common sense sometimes.  Looking at that slow motion replay, Johnson has the ball, his knee hits the ground, and he's broken the plane of the endzone.  As far as I'm concerned, the play should be dead there.  But the NFL dictates that making a catch is a process that Johnson clearly didn't complete.  It stinks, but a rule's a rule.  Kind of like when the entire universe knows a fumble when they see one but then an anti-common sense NFL rule overrides it and kickstarts a team to win three championships.  (Was there really undisputed evidence that there's an incomplete pass there?  Did officials have access to the SpyGate cameras when they were reviewing it?  I'll go to my grave with these questions.)  But I digress.   
• So much for the Kevin Kolb era in Philadelphia.  The quarterback that satisfied the Eagles enough to let Donovan McNabb walk couldn't get through one game without scrambling his brain.  Granted, the injury was quite unavoidable the way Clay Matthews of the Packers wrapped up Kolb's arms so only his head could brace his fall.  But in came Michael Vick, and he may be there to stay.  The suddenly-dedicated Vick ran wild on the Packers defense, and showed that his arm is still a cannon as well.  All indications are that Vick will start against the Lions this week.  If he wins there, as expected, it's going to create quite an interesting debate in the Philly locker room.  And McNabb will be chuckling at all of them.
• Quite contrary to the Jets, Big Blue actually opened the New Meadowlands in style.  Eli Manning's numbers were impressive, and they shoulda looked a whole lot better.  Multiple interceptions were a result of passes that went off the hands of wide receivers.  Luckily for Manning and the Giants, Hakeem Nicks was able to get lost in the endzone three times for scores.  Three touchdowns on four catches is a ratio any NFL wide receiver would take.  The defense looked just fine, giving Matt Moore a horrible start to 2010 for Carolina.  It was a big win for the Giants.  But they better not celebrate too much: week two brings them a visit to a pissed-off Colts team that's below .500 for the first time since the Civil War.
• 38-24...Was it great Patriots, or awful Bengals.  i'm leaning towards great Patriots.  At least great Patriots offense.  Welker is back.  Moss is moping, but still Moss.  Goldilocks looks solid throwing the ball.  The game was 31-3 before the Bengals even knew which way is up.  They made the final score slightly-less embarrassing, but the Pats got to the point where they would trade points to eat up time on the clock.  Ugly, ugly start to the T.O. era in Cincy.
• Seahawks, baby!  My pick to beat out San Fran in the NFC West beat the holy hell out of the Niners in week 1.  Now there's no doubt that there was some serious pooping-of-the-bed by San Francisco, and they will get a lot better as they play to their potential.  But the Seahawks couldn't be more impressive in their home opener.  An over-100 quarterback rating for Matt Hasselbeck, Justin Forsett running wild, and a defense that made Alex Smith look like Alex Mack in the pocket.  Looking at that schedule, 4-0 is an attainable start for the Seahawks.  Welcome back, Pete Carroll. 
• Chris Johnson is very, very beastly.

Thanks a lot for reading, everybody!  Here's to a clear, organized blog schedule for the rest of NFL 2010.  Expect the rest of the predictions up by tomorrow night, and your normal Smash and Mash this coming week.  Can't wait.