Standing on a Pedestal: If not for the NFL, what would NFL coaches be doing with their lives?

Since this blog started, I've been eyeing a weekly segment where I can make fun of sports, which for me is one of my favorite things about sports. So I'm excited to be introducing "Standing on a Pedestal", titled that since I, Chris Bianchi, king of my parents' basement and unemployed sports broadcaster extraordinaire, will generally be making fun of everybody besides myself. This will be a weekly segment that will highlight New York sports radio's dumbest comments of the week (starting next week) and will also have special features like the one below. More on the sports radio part of the segment at the end of the article.

For my inaugural Standing on a Pedestal segment, I'd like to speculate on what NFL coaches would be if they weren't NFL coaches. Feedback, including your ideas as well, are welcome as always!

                                                                              
                                                            Brad Childress, Vikings: Pedophile                            

This one's a little rough, but if actions were based on looks alone, then Childress would have been tackled on a front lawn during an episode of To Catch a Predator years ago had he not been an NFL head coach. I'm sure if Brad happened to read this he would not be very flattered, but in my defense, the message is universally clear: the facial hair is creepy. Childress may very well end up on suburban Minneapolis PTA bulletins sometime soon if he doesn't shave.

                                                        
                                                            Sean Payton, Saints: Gym teacher

My friend Mickey wisely pointed this one out during the NFC Championship game Sunday night. Always sporting a rockin' visor, this competitive middle-aged man wears nothing but sweatshirts and sweatpants, and is beginning to show signs of a gut, probably the most classic of gym teacher traits.

If not for the NFL, he'd probably be telling a Charlie somewhere to stop picking his nose during touch football and then he'd hit on that hot new 4th grade math teacher.

Put Broncos coach Josh McDaniels in this category as well. He's got that look.

                                                        
                                                            Rex Ryan, Jets: TV Show host

I had a really rough time figuring out what Rex Ryan would be if he weren't a football coach, mainly because he really just does seem like a football coach. 

Bringing this one up to friends, I heard a wide range of ideas, most of which of course involved his morbid obeisity. I heard things from bus driver to Fireman Rex and even Rexa Claus. Funny, but none of them seemed to fit.

But it struck me. Rex comes off to me and many others as a good guy who also has a flair for PR. Combine that with his weight, wouldn't he be great as the host of his own Travel Channel show, Rex v. Food? I could definitely see Rex stirring up crowds at minor league ballparks and random steakhouses across the USA as he eats 5 pound burgers and hundred of teriyaki wings at a time.

I was also thinking politician as Rex has the charm, but if we gave John Kerry hell six years ago for having botox injections, how in the world could America ever get behind a 500-pound guy? If not for his weight, I'd probably say Rex Ryan for Senate.

                                            
                                             Eric Mangini, Browns: Struggling sports blogger

Step in Eric Mangini, the former Jets coach who was once referred to in New York as "Mangenius" and is now affectionately remembered as, well, you know. It rhymes with vagina.

I have no rationale for Mangini's alternative profession besides a hunch. He just seems like a sports guy. I suspect he'd be calling into overnight WFAN shows and co-running this site with Conor and I if not for his talents as a football coach.

As far as the struggling part of this, he hasn't had much success as an NFL head coach yet, so I have little reason to think he'd succeed in the sports blogosphere either.


Don't agree? Post your NFL coach alternative job ideas below, including coaches I haven't covered, and check in next week for a look into New York sports radio that will highlight the dumbest things said on-air, by both hosts and callers, and I will also explain why I cheer for Colorado sports teams even though I grew up in New York.